Grown up temper tantrum anyone??

Well, I don't wanna do it.. I don't want to put any effort into losing weight.. I look at myself in the mirror and become more disgusted by the day.. I am bigger than I've ever been.. It's just horrible. You'd think I'd have this lightbulb moment and realize that I should get up and take a walk.. Nope! I want to call the nearest doctor that performs lap band and take the easy way out.. I want someone else to sculpt a new body for me.. I want someone else to come into our home and make me meals for myself and my family... I want to give up.. But, I just can't.. I know what's better for me. So, tonight despite all I WANT to do, I will be attending a weight watchers meeting.. I don't want to, but I will..

The stark, raving lunatic, FAT truth...

So, we live in an old house.. Build in 1913... Closets were an afterthought in the whole upstairs.. My hubby and I were looking at our closet and I realized there's a free closet in our office... So, after putting some decorations and sheets in our small storage area I began moving my clothes into MY very own closet!!!! This also meant that the clothes that were being smuuuuushed into the back of "our" closet were coming out. In the back were casual corner, chicos, cache and many other nicer store dresses.. Barely touched. After having nothing nice to wear this weekend to a fire department ball it was just depressing... I can't imagine how much I spent on these dresses, even with being spend conscious. I had no children and a full time job...

The non use of these clothes isn't the whole problem... None of them fit. Some didn't even fit over my hips or my shoulders.. I am wearing $20 jeans from target over and over again. Not that I'd be wearing those dresses to my job working with children at a preschool but if something nice comes up I squeeze myself into the same pants suit every occasion..

It gets worse... The pictures... People take our pictures at these functions and tag us in them which you get to see your fat self in.. What an uplifting process.. All I want to do is eat.. Yup.. That's right, eating makes me fat and feel like shit so all I want to do is what makes me feel like shit...

Sigh... Thanks for letting me vent..

Sick... Again..

Into running again and I'm sick for the 2nd time in 3 weeks.. I don't feel like I've even recovered from the first bout of whatever this upper respiratory crap is.. :( so, I trudge along doing some Pilates and stretching and ill pick up the running once I'm up to it... Sigh.. If its not one thing...

Of course...

So I was planning to re-start "Couch to 5k" last week.. And wouldn't you know it.. I got sick.. :( My chest hurt bad and I'm still suffering from a lingering cough.. Ugh... But, this week I'm determined to start!!! Anyone else out there sick??

Struggling for motivation...

Anyone else here? I'm just at a point where I don't like what's in the mirror but I'm questioning what's the point? I know, I know.. Health for my girls and I.. That's huge.. But I'm just getting to the point where I will get that spark again and start my process again and I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll gain it all back again like I did before. I'm afraid I'll lose my motivation again..

This sucks!! But, it's the right mindset right?!

Thanks for listening to my vent...

start over again...and again...and again...

Well, after trying to do everything on my own and track on a piece of paper here and text myself there, I will be doing weight watchers. I have all of my paperwork from long ago plus a new book from my mom to get me going. I've been slacking here and there and that here and there is leaving me stagnant and right back where I am. Having one bad meal (last night) leaves me back with excess weight I just don't need.. I'm so tired of being this big and although I've seen the inches leaving, I need the weight to go too. My migraines are getting the better of me, and the little headaches all the time mixed with sore joints when I wake up totally sucks.. I need to be a better example for my children. Now to my next challenge... getting my husband on board!!! I'm thinking of both of us joining... Now that would be interesting!! lol! Although when I did my points I was shocked at how much more he gets than me! jerk...

Here comes a holiday...

I'm very patriotic, I love my country.. But seriously?!? Why so much food people???

Now that I'm off my soapbox I can sy that I'm glad we're going to my moms where we'll have lots of healthy choices... But, those bad things will still be there too.. I've bought a huge watermelon to cut up and eat there and I'm making deviled eggs minus the heavy duty stuff and I'll stick to my cheeseburger with no bun! I've learned from some of the fabulous ladies that support me that I just need to pre-plan a little and it will help keep me on track!!

Any tips or suggestions you might like to share??

ugh... it's really hit me...

As I sit here writing, I'm sniffling and wiping away tears and snot.. Today for the second time in a week or two my clothes were accidentally dried. You may not think this is a big deal. However, the first time my husband dried one of my favorite shirts and I cried a little.. over it already.. Today my mom dried and shrunk a load of clothes that already BARELY fits me and quite possibly the only clothes that fit me.. I feel so unbelievably defeated.. At first she said "oh you'll fit into them again" until I told her that's about all I do fit into, then I could tell she felt horrible.. not the reaction I was going for.. I just wanted to tell her not to touch my clothes every again.. lol... (and, before I get any lectures, I do know how lucky I am that my mom came over to visit and did a load of laundry for me).. I've started digging into my husbands closet for t-shirts because mine just don't fit right and my favorite pair of shorts didn't do up this morning.. Today has been a total reality check and as I sit here tearing up again all I want to do is dig back into shitty food again.. Why is it when we are at our lowest point we still want the thing that brings us down the most??

Phew...

Today I ate onion rings... I've felt dirty ever since.. Blech.. I have been doing *okay* lately.. I'd much prefer to believe that I can do this without exercise...buuuuuttttttt... Yeah, not happening! Lol!!

Awww... It's been a long few days and I'm hoping that tomorrow I wake up refreshed and ready to take on some healthy activity!!

Oh boy...

Well, since my last post in February I have gained more weight... It's now 0 down and 60 to go... :( I'm not proud of this, and am in fact pissed off that I let myself get to this point.. First of all, I just gave up when I got poison ivy working in my yard and could barely move my legs without having horrible itching and scratching... It was beyond debilitating as far as exercise goes...

However, now I have a good outlook (most of the time) and I'm tracking my food intake with spark people and have lost 1.5lbs! :)

I'll be on here more because I know I need to vent, etc in order to be successful!!

Wish me luck!! :)